Okay, man, I am going to put this outside of a cut! Because it bears saying! I AM A MOODY BITCH ALL THE DAMN TIME. I really don't even know why nor do I like at it at all. I am rage at everyone and while some of it is justified, ninety-nine point nine is not justified. So, if I am an angry motherfucker in your direction, then I apologize out here in the open.

I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR BEING SNIPPY, SHORT-TEMPERED, AND A PAIN IN THE ASS. I LOVE EVERYONE WHO PUTS UP WITH MY SHIT OR HITS ME FOR IT, EITHER OR.

Like, seriously? It's highly embarrassing what my bitch post was about last night that I really cannot even say. But that is the other thing! I am not on my anti-depression medication, so I am mood-swinging a bit. I will be antsy and angry one minute, then chill and zen the next. I am also working so damn much that I am rushing my relaxation time. Gotta get all these threads done! Beat this level! Read this book!! . . . I am laughing at myself. You all should too. So, yeah, that's my forewarning. So, while I would normally let shit slide like nothing, I am getting annoyed at the most random shit now! NOW ONTO UNIMPORTANT THINGS.

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FUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

You know, I can't shake this feeling like I'm growing to hate someone that I'd rather not.

. . . God, this is going to end SUPER WELL.

I may only be two days into it, but I am loving my current affair away from CFUD. Gosh, I have missed having a functional toppy jesus woman.

I have been in a depression for awhile. I am reaching my wit's end, and I'm ready to ruin my life once again. I can feel it coming like a train that I cannot move out of the way of. I wish I knew how to stop it. I really did. Unfortunately, I've spent all of my time and energy into keeping myself functional rather than fixing. . . That I am still at the same sorry state that I was. No better except for the fact that I have medication to keep me on the level.

It's really hard not to wish myself out of existence when I know I'm going to be fighting this for the rest of my life. I would much rather let Darwinism take over and follow the path that's meant to be taken. That is, this disease would peter out of the gene pool, because all those who carry it would end up killing themselves and rid the world of it. I am disgusted by the state of the world as it is. I have little faith in humanity, and the problems facing this planet and people are so infinite and overwhelming that it crushes me to think about it. I am an insignificant speck in the universe that has no meaning now nor will I ever in the future on into when I am gone. Truly, I do not know how people can survive and carry on with this knowledge. And I realize that being set back by this inherent struggle already determines that I should not be here.

I have work in six hours. My brother will not go to sleep and turn off the TV. There is no wine to overpower the intense need to cry and have fits in bed while I try to sleep. I want to go into the living room and scream and break glass, so that I can have silence. Silence that will only overpower me and leave me restless as I cannot stop these thoughts.

I wish I knew how to fix myself.

I can only think and long for that cabin from long ago. To isolate, to be left alone with myself and nothing to distract me from the mirror that I have buried. . . I don't know who I am. And I reject every path that isn't true to a self that I don't know. I don't want to forever be only a shell of whatever I could have been. I want answers that I can't give.

I dream only of a place, a home. I cannot dream of it empty any more. There is always someone there. I don't love them deeply or passionately, but only as a piece that completes another half. That is, they are family that I have chosen. I'm beginning to despair at this dream being unrealized. My other dream is just of a child. I want to protect and care for life. I want to experience the world before I realized any truth about it. Someday, I know I will have this child. Someday, I hope that I will have this home.

Jae, you suck forever. :/ Also, I am so full of feelings and exhaustion. And I kind of want to curl up in a cabin in the woods for a few days to forget the world and listen to myself. Because I know I have a lot to say, and I don't have the money to pay someone to drag it out of me.

First world loser, I am.

I would really like to know what my mother is trying to instigate by saying that my brother, who has failed two years of high school, scored higher on the SATs than me.

Like I don't even understand what the point of that is.




Fuck, she's under my skin now.

Okay, chatting with Brit about job stuff made me curious. So, here is me trying to remember all my jobs in orderrr.

Lloyd's (summer 05)
Little's (summer 05)
Bonterra Market (summer 05 - spring 06)
Banana Republic (summer of 06!)
Telemarketing for Douglass (fall 06)
Nucci's (summer 07)
... I forget ... I was in the AF, but I did go back to telemarketing at some point, I think. \o/!!
Banana Republic (summer 08)
Nursing job (spring 09)
Fitzpatrick's (spring 09 - present)
Payless (spring 10 - present)

God, I know I'm missing one. I feel like I've worked more retail and food service than that. . . And I've been working since I was 16, iirc. Well, whatever, that's the sum of it. I work a lot, I guess??

Today, I find out when my next day off is! . . . Excitement! If I have one, I'm going to stay in my room the whole day and demand for people to bring me food. This message is brought to you by What Is A Day Off?

edit: OH WAIT NO WE COOL. Two days in a row of four hour shifts. I am A-OK with this. Yes, party at my house.

Alright, I know I should sit down and sort out my feelings and mental state right now, but I am in the Fuck Feelings camp right now. So, if anyone wants to take a stab at what the fuck up with Kristen, then you are welcome to:

- I am tired at all hours of the day.
- I am refusing to sleep even without stimulus. (AKA I already checked all my sites and have no active threads.)
- I feel like eating everything I can find.
- I feel like I should curl up and cry, but I don't know why.
- I am feeling like a failure of a friend.
- Which points out that I don't know how to be a good friend.
- Which brings me to my social ineptitude that is bothering me again.

Recent events:
- Didn't get to go to NYC, didn't get to go to Six Flags.
- Haven't hung out with friends since Kim's graduation.
- Haven't been to NYC in. . . Six months?
- Destroyed my other car, can't find the deed to sell it.
- Bought a new car!
- Have four tiny squeaky puppies.
- Usually working six days a week between the two jobs.

MONKEY GEAR SOLID

I don't. Is there anything more I need to say to that? omfg I am getting my ass kicked at this. Ffffuuuu, espionage!!

I have the most inane urge to sit and spam people with random messages.* Then again, I don't think YOUR MOTHER is too random for me.

* It was so hot and busy that I didn't talk a lot of the day and am still a little brain-dead. So, yeah, my factory settings are pretty interesting.

Oh my god, this is amazing. How do I love this game! Let me count the ways!

Lol hilarity lol. See, I'm used to people doing a double-take when they meet me for job interviews or whatnot, because they see Garcia and assume Mexican! It's kind of become a good game of seeing how well people can guess the truth. Best response yet was thinking I married someone Hispanic. Good guess! Way too young! Anyway, people always tend to understand, Oh, no, she's definitely white, after the first couple of minutes. It's cool!

Today, though! Without knowing my last name, a woman would not accept that I was American! See, I don't always speak Spanish with Hispanic customers, but she was halting, so I helped her and replied in Spanish really quickly then ran off. She came back with a question in English, and I replied back in Spanish! And she suddenly got it and just started rattling off. Then, we had a long debate with her work friend and another Spanish customer about shoe sizes in Mexico versus USA that I managed to take place in before I had to go ring up someone else. So, as I checked her out, she chatted with me about where I learned it and acted impressed like people usually do. (I really don't see why as I am still hit or miss with my conjugations even if I can get everything else in order, derp.) Then, she went on to ask if I was American! "Yes." No! Are my parents American? "Yes. . ." But you speak Spanish! "I went to an ESL school." . . . And then she started talking to me about how there's an English school she goes to and so on and so on.

. . . I don't even. There are levels, and I am programmed to the Japanese fake out way of saying, "Oh, how good you are!" But that was still really hilarious.

So, I think I am definitely high right now. Like everything is amazing. And I am like feeling music. The funniest part is that I haven't taken anything in like four hours, so I don't know what just kicked in. But I am thinking whatever it is plus wine would be amazing.

. . . I am honestly that fucking bored. Also, my house is empty, so I clearly need to have a personal party while I am at it.





Stop judging me right now. Jesus christ, how am I twenty-two.

I am sick with a cold and an ear infection. And I cannot call out. Balls on this.

Also, I don't live in Singapore. I really need to whine about that.

I'm sorry, but Youtube lied. To Sir with Love kicked every other horror movie's ass. That was so amazing.

Also, Whispering Corridors series, I am full of disappoint. The fourth one was okay if vague, but the fifth? Come on, can't we do better than avenging dead friend and the power of true love? Bah.

I got a promotion. My response was to drink my sorrows. . . I don't think this is how being a grown-up is supposed to work.

Disregard that last post! I am on my period which means I am a ball of emotions and self-pity!! So, about my Korean horror movie fest:

Tale of Two Sisters started it. It's a great little psychological thriller with a pair of sisters that get abused by their mother-in-law. Honestly, I think there was a lot going on that I couldn't quite process, but it was a great movie to watch again.

Whispering Corridors is a series with five films now. The first film is a pretty weak entrance to the series. I did like the ~twist~, but the pacing and so on was just wretched. Also, there were some odd perv moments in there that tweaked me the wrong way.

Memento Mori is the second one, and it's kind of. . . Random! I don't think the movie knew it wanted to be a horror film until the last thirty minutes, uh. It is a really interesting examination of lesbian supertext that the series is infamous for along with just showing teenage school life. It's definitely a good watch.

Wishing Stairs is the third but was my first! And it's a good film to show what they've been learning, adding human touches with the proper amount of horror, and just random creep you out bits. I really liked the "fat" girl in the movie. :|b

The Red Shoes is such an obvious assault on Korean-Japanese relations during the war. I don't know what happened during the ending, but the twist was good, though I see now that I probably should have guessed it from the beginning. I think there was a lot that could have been done, but it's still strong on its own.

Phone is a blockbuster horror film, so there's a lot of scares along the way while the main girl searches for the ~truth~. Personally, I liked all of the female-female relationships that got twisted around five million ways. It's the first film that really seemed to know the aesthetics and how to go about with a horror film in an almost American way.

I feel like I'm missing one. . . Oh, well, I have Voice downloaded for tonight, so party on.